How Can We Start Over?

These are some of the marks left by spiritual and sexual abuse that I'm personally familiar with:

• Substances abuse
• Inability to secure stable relationships
• Deep mistrust that can easily turn into paranoia
• Promiscuity
• Depression
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
• A pattern of self-defeating behavior
• Infantile behavior in children (bed-wetting, acting younger than actual years)
• Anger
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
• Resentful toward God 
• Panic attacks

These signs of trouble were quite evident in my children and some, in my own life. The abuser is normally a Narcissistic personality and can never truly feel another's pain, as his whole existence centers around himself.
After living with a man like that for so many years, one becomes desensitized and as in my case, you become numb in many ways to your own environment.

The fact that I was taught that making babies was my Godly main objective, kept me quite busy and unable to deal with much else. I do love my children and I tried to be as good a mother as I could -looking back though, I was always fearful to encourage my kids (especially my daughters) to continue their education, to learn independence. It had been drilled into my mind that such things were not favored by God.

We lived in poverty much of the time. I stayed at home caring for the children and for a while we turned to the State for help which truly made a difference. However, the more radical we became in our beliefs, the less help we received . My ex-husband was a very controlling man who kept a tight rein on any spending which affected how we ate, how we dressed and kept cars and our home in disrepair.

A true man of God, would never allow his children or wife to come in last place. He would provide for them, take time with them and not equate lust with love. Before I knew what hit me, I was a middle-aged woman, trapped in poverty with a bunch of young children to raise without the support of the man who helped produce them.
However, this never stopped him from taking credit for homeschooling them,(he didn't,) and then ridiculing the children if they didn't know the answer to something.

My life left me exhausted. When my children were removed, I toyed with suicide....I didn't really WANT to take my own life....but I wished God would just kill me.
There was a small part of me that wanted to fight though. In one of my conversations with my ex-husband via phone, after our separation, he made a statement about giving me about 5 years. I would fail eventually. I would want him back....and he would take me back, he stated.

It was at this time, that something inside me clicked and I decided deep within myself, that if for no other reason, I WOULD do just fine without him. I could never let him win. Now my children keep me going. I want to be a good example for them and show them that there is hope as long as you keep trying.

These links below are places where you can browse and find encouragement and help:


Broken Daughters-A QF daughter shares her past and present.

Submission Tyranny-How the Fundy view corrupts the biblical view of relationships and can lead to abuses.

A Forum Where You Can Discuss Your Experiences With IFB or QF-They also offer free counseling if needed.

Info On Deprogramming