After-Effects and Getting the Help I Needed

When my children were taken, my ex-husband gone, I needed support because I was in survival mode. I was fortunate in that before I had all this come down around me, I began recognizing that I had no coping skills. I was in distress at home and I didn't know what to do to help myself.

I began going to Al-Anon meetings on a very regular basis. A friend I knew since I was about 12 suggested I go . My chaos was recognizable. I was constantly trying to 'fix' things for everyone.
When I knew the ex was on the way, or the kids heard him pull up, everyone went scrambling to their rooms, I tried to look busy. He was always in a bad mood when he came in and would yell at the kids or complain to me about the appearance of the house. The kids hid and I tried to look like I was being a 'good' wife to keep the unpleasant remarks to a minimum, (meaning I was sweeping, cooking, whatever it took to make it seem I was being useful.)

I felt I was caught in a seemingly hopeless situation so I reached out to learn some tools from Al-Anon that did help me. For once, I learned to take care of my own homework, that is, tend to my own problem and stop trying to solve everyone elses.

 For example, I was in the habit of covering for my ex because he had a bad habit of lashing out toward us when he lost his keys, or his wallet. Everyone had to stop what they were doing and clean until we found his lost articles. I began to walk away when he started acting that way and found other things to do.

I also learned the 12-steps. I began to look at my own behaviors. I began to list the things I could be grateful for and I had to acknowledge that I was powerless over anyone else. I also cried a lot and learned to 'Let Go and Let God.'

Another thing that happened to me was that I began counseling sessions. This was actually required for my case-plan but I was so blessed in that God put me in touch with a Christian. A pastor's wife who was a crisis counselor. She helped me more than I ever thought was possible. Elizabeth sent me home with a lot of reading material, ideas to help me take better care of my myself and through it all, she encouraged me not to forget about God but take that time to pray and speak to Him. One of the things Elizabeth shared with me, were the tell-tale signs of an abusive relationship. My ex had just about all of the traits mentioned:

Recognizing Abusive Men 

Another thing I had to realize was that I had a problem. I had never felt good about myself. Not that I wanted to be swell-headed....I just wanted to be comfortable in my own skin. For as long as I remembered, I always have felt like I wasn't as smart, good-looking, valued as everyone else. I also had a lot of trauma growing up. I had been molested and raped as a teen and the relationships I developed with men after the fact, were always self-defeating.  I have struggled with Major Depression most of my life and when I was 21, after living in the desert of California for two years in isolation with my first husband, I had developed terrible anxiety. I was experiencing panic attacks and became agoraphobic for a time.  After my last marriage to the preacher, and losing my kids for a year, I began to relive the fears and paranoia I felt when I was still in the relationship.

Because I was not officially 'in-crisis' anymore, I had to seek out the help of another counselor. Once again, the Lord brought me to a Christian woman who offered me help.
Also, I was blessed with a soul mate who stood by me through all the craziness and loved me enough to listen to me and hold me when I just needed to cry. He and I are now married and he has shown me that there is still hope for me.  I am still healing.

Below are some places you can visit online that deal with wounded spirits . Women who have been abused by their pastors, their husbands, families that have had to endure spiritual abuses:

Some Words On Healing

10 Ways To Spot Spiritual Abuse

Lots of Good Information Here