Memories That Shape You

Memories are powerful things. Some of us who have grown up in abusive homes have a hard time thinking back on our childhoods and remembering happy times.

In my home, there was discord between my parents, my mother and my paternal grandmother, my oldest brother and my father, my other brother and me. My father would hit my mother, my mother would put a large dresser before the door so my father would stay out or she'd take me for a long walk until he cooled down.

I was the youngest, only girl and my brothers said I was spoiled. My mother over-protected me. I grew up feeling like there was something wrong with me and that feeling stuck for most of my life.

I wanted to be made to feel like I 'belonged' somewhere....so I found some misfit kids like myself and learned to drink beer and smoke cigarettes. Eventually, I started stealing my grandmother's tranquilizers and sleeping pills. Then I moved on to smoking pot, trying hard drugs....anything to make me forget that I was 'different'.

I drifted into promiscuity. I was looking for love and acceptance. That road led me to being sexually used by boys who were older and experienced. Eventually, I was sexually abused by adult men-friends of my father, my 'godfather' and gang-raped at 14. 

To say that my views on relationships, normal relationships, are skewed is an understatement. In my mind, the only thing that men really ever wanted was sex. This idea was never far from me and kept me feeling insecure about myself and anyone I was with. 

These insecurities were what I was desperately trying to get rid of when I found the Lord. Before that moment in October of '85, I was ruminating in the horrors of the rape I experienced. It would pop into my head and I couldn't make it stop. I never told my parents about it. It happened at a time when I was a run away and so very vulnerable. I felt it was all my fault, a punishment for leaving my parents. 

When I became a Christian, the awful thoughts were taken from me and I was filled with a peace I never had before. God had cleansed me and healed me. I was brand new!

I had no idea what kind of adventure God was going to put me on but at the time, I didn't care...I just wanted to be in church and worship. I felt better about myself in church. I was learning, people were so kind and I felt that finally I DID belong. 

This would be a happy ending if I hadn't been programmed by the messages I was given as I grew up: men only want you for one thing, my duty is to take care of my husband, my career is being at home, that is what mom did...she cooked and cleaned and watched the soaps. Your husband is to handle everything. Women aren't really capable....on and on.

This programming made me perfect fodder for the IFB cults. I now had a specific role to fill and so did my husband. When he says something, listen and be obedient. He is the head of the family and you are subservient. There is no choice, it's cut and dried and don't argue because that's un-biblical!

I left behind my dreams. I didn't dare dream. I looked around one day and realized that I was getting older, my body was worn out and I was cut off from anyone that wasn't in the church. I heard my ex-husband say, " Women don't need to have friends, they need to stay home and keep busy with the kids. It's only trouble when they go out of the house."

Maybe God wanted me to walk that route so one day I would be awakened and see the truth. I don't know. I do know that everything happens for a reason. Now I have a partner in my life who teaches me to respect myself .  It doesn't mean I have to serve him 24/7 to be right with God. He takes care of me and I take care of him.

I am still plagued with other memories. It's hard not to be triggered sometimes. I used to get panic attacks thinking about my past. I used to allow the past to rule over my future. Every now and then, a memory will pop into my head and I cry.

  I am learning to live day to day and keep my eyes on the Lord by reading His word and keeping Him close. We don't go to church but we start each day with  God's word and with prayer. For now, that seems enough.

How Can We Start Over?

These are some of the marks left by spiritual and sexual abuse that I'm personally familiar with:

• Substances abuse
• Inability to secure stable relationships
• Deep mistrust that can easily turn into paranoia
• Promiscuity
• Depression
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
• A pattern of self-defeating behavior
• Infantile behavior in children (bed-wetting, acting younger than actual years)
• Anger
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
• Resentful toward God 
• Panic attacks

These signs of trouble were quite evident in my children and some, in my own life. The abuser is normally a Narcissistic personality and can never truly feel another's pain, as his whole existence centers around himself.
After living with a man like that for so many years, one becomes desensitized and as in my case, you become numb in many ways to your own environment.

The fact that I was taught that making babies was my Godly main objective, kept me quite busy and unable to deal with much else. I do love my children and I tried to be as good a mother as I could -looking back though, I was always fearful to encourage my kids (especially my daughters) to continue their education, to learn independence. It had been drilled into my mind that such things were not favored by God.

We lived in poverty much of the time. I stayed at home caring for the children and for a while we turned to the State for help which truly made a difference. However, the more radical we became in our beliefs, the less help we received . My ex-husband was a very controlling man who kept a tight rein on any spending which affected how we ate, how we dressed and kept cars and our home in disrepair.

A true man of God, would never allow his children or wife to come in last place. He would provide for them, take time with them and not equate lust with love. Before I knew what hit me, I was a middle-aged woman, trapped in poverty with a bunch of young children to raise without the support of the man who helped produce them.
However, this never stopped him from taking credit for homeschooling them,(he didn't,) and then ridiculing the children if they didn't know the answer to something.

My life left me exhausted. When my children were removed, I toyed with suicide....I didn't really WANT to take my own life....but I wished God would just kill me.
There was a small part of me that wanted to fight though. In one of my conversations with my ex-husband via phone, after our separation, he made a statement about giving me about 5 years. I would fail eventually. I would want him back....and he would take me back, he stated.

It was at this time, that something inside me clicked and I decided deep within myself, that if for no other reason, I WOULD do just fine without him. I could never let him win. Now my children keep me going. I want to be a good example for them and show them that there is hope as long as you keep trying.

These links below are places where you can browse and find encouragement and help:


Broken Daughters-A QF daughter shares her past and present.

Submission Tyranny-How the Fundy view corrupts the biblical view of relationships and can lead to abuses.

A Forum Where You Can Discuss Your Experiences With IFB or QF-They also offer free counseling if needed.

Info On Deprogramming

A Few More Resources For Healing and Information

How Child Abuse In Baptist Churches Affect The Whole Person-A very comprehensive site with the types of abuses labeled, stats, resources and personal stories.


Recent Story of Abuse By Pastors and How They Get Their Flock To Protect Them


A Broken Trust


Danni Moss- Abuse and the Church


This Man Makes Me Cringe!

KEEPING THE FAITH

After years of spiritual and emotional abuse, it is easy to become bitter and cynical. I find myself in that mindset every now and then. I have to remind myself, it is not the fault of God that men and women often make bad choices.  I cannot control other people's minds anymore than they can control mine.

I have decided to be grateful for the things I have now and to stop empowering the negativity that so easily follows me about, trying to grasp a hold of my spirit. The more I think of those negative things that are now in the past, the more power I allow them to take in my life. I think that is why the Bible teaches us to control what kind of thoughts we allow to take hold: "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
(Php 4:6-8)


I have read some blogs by women that have come out of terribly abusive churches and they have steered so far out - away from God that they have lost the compass that points to the Christ who gives us life.

Believe me, I tried to go back to a church, any church that seemed to follow the same beliefs I had as part of my cultic past. It was as if God himself took apart my desires and turned my feelings inside out.

I broke away from the teachings of man more and more and thanked my Lord for showing me what direction I am to follow. God has taken away bitterness and put in discernment. I pick my battles carefully and think about what I should say or if I should even say anything.
"Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth. Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison."
(Jas 3:4-8)

I have learned to be humble. I learned through my past associations that I can be fooled and so I need to be careful and offer up prayers for good decision-making.

I have also been blessed with a soul-mate who discusses the Bible with me and holds up our ideas before scripture to see if they are worthy of following.
To me, there is no greater form of worship than to offer myself to the Lord everyday and allow Him to steer me in the right direction. I want him to use me and I know if I continue to follow Him he will heal me and help me recover.

You can lose faith in people. We are finite and sinful, full of weaknesses and inconsistency, however, let us hold on to the One who can heal us and bring us back into our right mind.

More Places That Have Solid Information

Free E-Book To Download -If you are familiar with the Hyles method of running a church or have been victimized by it's teachings-you might find this useful. The site itself is run by someone who shares a lot of the same doctrines that IFB churches do, however, he DOES recognize the sickness and pride of Hyles methods.


Though There Are Certain Things I Don't Agree With 100% On This Site, There Are Some Really Good Articles Here


Provender



No Longer Quivering- This one has a lot of links you can check out as well.

The Unbelievers

One of the most painful experiences to go through is the unbelief of others who did not actually witness your or your children's abuse and so doubt the victims' story.  These are the ones who are so loyal to the abuser that it seems unfathomable to them that something like sexual abuse of a child could ever be true. 

I've been on either end of the spectrum. When I first heard about my ex-husband's sexual abuses, I was shocked. Sure, I knew he was emotionally abusive. I knew he was neglectful. The sexual abuse against a child(ren) well, how did I not see it?

Most victims will fall into the blame game. They will blame themselves for somehow causing the abuse and then feel awful when and if the abuser is caught or makes him/herself scarce after being scrutinized. It's all part of that guilt that the abuser oppresses you with.

The other problem lies in the community that the victim once embraced . In my case, everyone heard about the unfaithful wife (me) but no one really believed my ex-husband had pedophilic tendencies. Of course he 'shared' his sadness with anyone that would listen, especially his followers, about what a horrible thing I had done, yet he made sure to cover his own tracks well.

So, what occurs at that point, is that the church members you want to grieve with, the people that you used to fellowship with, even some of your family members....put you on the blacklist.
Even if you have no trouble losing that support system (which, by the way, was a phony one to begin with, true friends stick with you!) your children who have been abused, now have to experience what it feels like to be rejected by a community that they once held dear.
 People may whisper about your 'situation' or you and your children are looked at with strange curiosity. 

When the illusion of a 'godly' family is stripped away and everyone who knew your family knows all about the untruths and sensitive issues that were laid bare by the fleeing narcissist who abused you, you can choose to run and hide or live through it, let it go and start fresh.

After getting over the feelings of violation, disrespect and fearfulness of the unknown....I started getting angry-which helped me get over some of the aforementioned emotions. I turned that anger into action . I would journal, draw, whatever it took to get the toxins out. My kids, at  least the younger ones, got counseling and were taught they didn't have to fear anymore. They were now safe . 

We still struggle with memories and past hurts but there is no hiding anymore. You take the fear and shine a bright light on it until it flees.

Perversion Of A Different Cult

   The Children Of God grew out of the 60's counter-culture. Those of you that may have heard of this perverted cult may have actually thought that since the death of it's pedophile leader, David Berg, that the cult had gone underground or simply disbanded. This is NOT the case:

Chameleons Know How To Survive and Change


I invite you to explore their pages. They seem so polished, so credible but their history is one that is spotted with sexual degeneracy, murder and suicide. One of the sources for information that I will be using is from a person who is a secularist, yet his information and research is very good.

Click on the following to get background on this crazed cult:

Children Of God aka/ Family International

The True Views of Karen Zerby of Family International

Some Links To Research

Witchcraft In the Church


Billy Graham...Working For The NWO


Love Jesus Hate Religion


Lambs of Culpepper Audio documentary to download


Silent Lambs


One of the most important things you can do for yourself is to realize that you are not at fault for the abuses you have survived. Abusers, like my ex, loved to put blame on me for anything that happened between us. I was the 'weaker vessel' therefore, I could never truly be an 'equal' in his sight. He failed to remember the Bible verses that state: There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus. And if ye be Christ's, then are ye Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise. 
(Gal 3:28-29) I AM an equal in the eyes of the Lord.

After-Effects and Getting the Help I Needed

When my children were taken, my ex-husband gone, I needed support because I was in survival mode. I was fortunate in that before I had all this come down around me, I began recognizing that I had no coping skills. I was in distress at home and I didn't know what to do to help myself.

I began going to Al-Anon meetings on a very regular basis. A friend I knew since I was about 12 suggested I go . My chaos was recognizable. I was constantly trying to 'fix' things for everyone.
When I knew the ex was on the way, or the kids heard him pull up, everyone went scrambling to their rooms, I tried to look busy. He was always in a bad mood when he came in and would yell at the kids or complain to me about the appearance of the house. The kids hid and I tried to look like I was being a 'good' wife to keep the unpleasant remarks to a minimum, (meaning I was sweeping, cooking, whatever it took to make it seem I was being useful.)

I felt I was caught in a seemingly hopeless situation so I reached out to learn some tools from Al-Anon that did help me. For once, I learned to take care of my own homework, that is, tend to my own problem and stop trying to solve everyone elses.

 For example, I was in the habit of covering for my ex because he had a bad habit of lashing out toward us when he lost his keys, or his wallet. Everyone had to stop what they were doing and clean until we found his lost articles. I began to walk away when he started acting that way and found other things to do.

I also learned the 12-steps. I began to look at my own behaviors. I began to list the things I could be grateful for and I had to acknowledge that I was powerless over anyone else. I also cried a lot and learned to 'Let Go and Let God.'

Another thing that happened to me was that I began counseling sessions. This was actually required for my case-plan but I was so blessed in that God put me in touch with a Christian. A pastor's wife who was a crisis counselor. She helped me more than I ever thought was possible. Elizabeth sent me home with a lot of reading material, ideas to help me take better care of my myself and through it all, she encouraged me not to forget about God but take that time to pray and speak to Him. One of the things Elizabeth shared with me, were the tell-tale signs of an abusive relationship. My ex had just about all of the traits mentioned:

Recognizing Abusive Men 

Another thing I had to realize was that I had a problem. I had never felt good about myself. Not that I wanted to be swell-headed....I just wanted to be comfortable in my own skin. For as long as I remembered, I always have felt like I wasn't as smart, good-looking, valued as everyone else. I also had a lot of trauma growing up. I had been molested and raped as a teen and the relationships I developed with men after the fact, were always self-defeating.  I have struggled with Major Depression most of my life and when I was 21, after living in the desert of California for two years in isolation with my first husband, I had developed terrible anxiety. I was experiencing panic attacks and became agoraphobic for a time.  After my last marriage to the preacher, and losing my kids for a year, I began to relive the fears and paranoia I felt when I was still in the relationship.

Because I was not officially 'in-crisis' anymore, I had to seek out the help of another counselor. Once again, the Lord brought me to a Christian woman who offered me help.
Also, I was blessed with a soul mate who stood by me through all the craziness and loved me enough to listen to me and hold me when I just needed to cry. He and I are now married and he has shown me that there is still hope for me.  I am still healing.

Below are some places you can visit online that deal with wounded spirits . Women who have been abused by their pastors, their husbands, families that have had to endure spiritual abuses:

Some Words On Healing

10 Ways To Spot Spiritual Abuse

Lots of Good Information Here

Hall Of Horrors

To understand some of the problems linked with the OSAS (Once Saved Always Saved doctrine) is to open a virtual Pandora's Box of evil. The doctrine states that once you accept Christ as Savior, there is virtually NOTHING you can do to 'undo' your salvation. When one is accused of some grave sin, these same pastors who preached this ideology will point a finger and state that the sinner who committed this awful offense could have never been saved to begin with. They will quote certain scriptures to prove their belief yet, they ignore all the scriptures that state the contrary. It is a subtle form of brainwashing that will eventually sink in and gives a feeling of being given 'carte blanche' to do whatever and still make it to Heaven. 

Personally, I always had an undercurrent of unbelief in that doctrine. It just didn't seem right. Yet I taught it, hung on to it and mouthed the precepts I was taught over and over because I was taught not to trust my own instincts. After all, my ex-husband knew better and had to answer to God for me. I didn't want to face God in rebellion. 

It wasn't until I divorced and I began to study God's word for myself, that I saw a different picture of salvation than what was taught to me all those years. 
I also realized something else, the IFB pastors that proclaimed these doctrines were getting caught in a web of deceit. They were caught cheating on their wives, molesting boys and girls, impregnating teen-age girls and stealing from their own people. 

In their minds, these men can just say sorry to God and sweep those sins under the rug and STILL GET TO HEAVEN! I'm sure that was what my ex had in mind. He has yet to apologize to me or to my children. Instead , he pretends to be an honest man on the surface.

The following are some links of a long list of pastor abusers, you may have heard of a few of these:

The Real Jack Hyles

Sodomy and Suicide-The Story of Pastor Jarrell

Jack Schaap-The Molesting Kidnapper

Another Sex/Suicide - Minerva

Pastor and the Prostitute-No he's not IFB but it sure shows the prevalence of sexual sins in the clergy

Murder and Mayhem-Covering Adultery

Beatings and Torture

He Won't Be Resting in Peace


There is more but I can't handle much more tonight. I praise God for showing me the truth. I will be forever thankful!

My Experience With The IFB Cult (or Why I Am Writing This Blog)

My first experience with an IFB church happened in 1985. The man I was planning on marrying started going to one , 'got saved' and baptized and wanted me to go with him. 
After much debate, I gave in and went several times. 

Looking back, I'm glad I did go . I was like the man from Pilgrim's Progress....I was carrying a load of sin on my back and knew it. I asked Jesus to forgive me, come into my heart and we have had a steady, sometimes-rocky, love affair to this day.

Some may think I am anti-religious because of my stand today. In a sense, I am. However, I am NOT anti-faith. I feel that organized religion has become just another governed entity with shareholders, CEO's and corporate standards. Those are NOT God's standards. 

I also believe that IFB (Independent Fundamental Baptist) churches  have become a blight on faith. Their doctrine is one that upholds the views of men as being holy. It also holds a demented view of family and child-rearing and a double-standard pertaining to the value of men and women.

No longer a true church, the IFB movement has become a cult.  I'm convinced of that. 
For instance, the pastor is held as the sole authority in all matters...not just spiritual.
You are expected to be at church whenever the church doors are open or else you are unfaithful.

A woman wearing pants, jewelry that draws attention, or one that doesn't wear long dresses and who cuts her hair short, is in rebellion. A dyed-in-the-wool IFB'er will remind his wife that rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft so she'd better go read her Bible and pray about that !

The pastor I was once married to, said babies cry because they are liars. They 'just want to be held,' as if that is somehow wrong. It's ok to beat a child because bruising the body is good discipline, even if the child is a baby.

I don't know how it happened that I bought into that ideology at one time. I think a lot had to do with wanting to please God and believing that God wanted me to submit to my husband. At the time, I didn't understand the difference between submitting to a husband who is supposed to love you as his own body and one that wipes his feet on you like a doormat, and I sure didn't know that my husband was supposed to be loving me sacrificially, protecting me and putting his family in first place before his congregants.

What I found was that the insanity only became worse. My children were being alienated. My husband was absent and I became so depressed that I would cry the moment I awoke. My life seemed to be disappearing into a black hole and getting out was not an option. Our housing situation was deplorable. 
I was ashamed of my life.
Through desperation, attempting to feel like I was valued, wanted and desirable, when I was given the opportunity to stray, I did. I checked out emotionally. 

The saying, "God works in mysterious ways, " is certainly true because even though all those about me were being told what an adulterous woman I was, it was at that time that I met the man who helped me turn my life around. Yet it took a lot of terrible experiences to bring me to a place where I was so broken that God could now work on rebuilding me.

Amid all the pain, resentment and stress, I had learned that my preacher husband had molested my children over the years. The next thing I knew, the Department of Children and Families had been called and started a case against us. The children were removed from our home and sent to live with an adult sibling for almost 1 year. It was the longest year of my life.

I had also learned that my soon-to-be ex-husband was preemptively covering his hide by insinuating that it was my adultery that caused the children's removal. Never once did he come clean about his own incestuous actions.

It took me three years to get to a place where I could actually begin to take charge of my life and learn what it means to be in a healthy relationship. Of course I haven't 'arrived' yet. I am going through counseling still. I have had to learn to deal with my anxiety disorders and depression and I had to re-learn who I really am....not what someone says I should be.

The healing process is still going on for my children and I . I am taking things one day at a time
and learning to face my fears. One of the fears I had was facing the deeds committed by a man who was to be trusted by his family but instead he created a sick, dysfunctional cult full of sick, dysfunctional people.

Below are videos I made recently, exposing who he is and what he did because he still had the audacity to deny wrong doing, remarry a woman with younger children and preach on the internet and other media. Yes, just as if nothing happened! This link will take you to a page put together by another pastor who 'gets it'. He has been very instrumental in helping me get the truth out as he has also been victimized by my ex-husband's insanity.








Lighthouse Baptist Chapel

 




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