Who Am I...Really?

Alright...so the life that damaged me  is getting swept out. My dream of going to school for psychology is a reality. I have a partner who is very supportive. My kids are growing up and though that can be a struggle at times, God is good and has protected them for me. I may be short on cash, but we aren't starving or homeless or naked...we get by.

So this is where I need to be grateful. Oh Jesus ....I am! Thank you! Now I need to find ME. Who am I ? What's going on in my head? I need to learn to be accepting, of myself and of others. I need to love like Jesus loved me and still does. I need to stop having the glass half empty and seeing it as half full and on it's way to overflowing.

When an abuse victim becomes a survivor advocate, you need to see yourself as a work in progress. I do. I get that. What is hard to get through is all the old tapes that play in my head: I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, young enough, I am overweight , I feel ugly, I feel dumb...everyone else is better than I am...the list is at least a mile long!

Recovery work is a battle. Once you remove the obstacles that kept you victimized, you have to learn to like yourself. I'd love to wake up one morning and feel like this is it! I'm excited, happy, looking forward to the day, but I'm not there....

I still feel tired, heavy, slow...my depression and anxiety kick in a bit ...I want to do something, say something, It's frustrating. Although I am no longer as depressed as I once was (thanks to SSRI's and spilling my thoughts out on this blog,) there are still parts of me that need to be dealt with.

I don't want to be self-centered but I need some self-esteem.

I'd love to be at peace with who I am and learn to respect myself more. After all, I did 'get out' of the Fundy cult, start a new life and have been trying hard to do all the right things. The question remains: Why is it so hard to accept myself and put away the past and simply start over?