Letting Go Of Guilt

When someone has been abused, it takes time to readjust and learn what 'normalcy' is. Especially if you have been victimized most of your life. 

I now look back and see how I had been blind-sided, yet this also causes me to second guess myself . If my judgement about my past partners was so off, how can I trust myself again?
The hardest thing for an abused man, woman or child is coming to terms with the issue of guilt.
Somehow, it's very easy to blame yourself for stupid things that happened, many of which were not your fault.

For instance, I had been raped when I was 14 years old,  basically still a child. I was trying to find a way home and these seemingly friendly people picked me up and told me they would take me anywhere I wanted to go the next day. They did, but not before I was repeatedly raped in a van in the woods.

I felt scared, (one of the men pulled a knife out and said he'd kill me if I didn't take my clothes off) and afterward confused and ashamed. I never told my parents about it. I was too worried that somehow I would be blamed. It's always easy to blame the runaway-after all, I wasn't being 'good' so I deserved what I got! At least that's how it felt.

I had to try and forgive those that did that to me. I prayed for them as an adult and God was good enough to have mercy on me and stop me from seeing their faces in my mind's eye every day. Of course the scars are still there. It's hard to trust myself and many times those around me.

When thoughts of self-blame and guilt, wash over me, I have to remind myself, I was a kid. Just a dumb, TRUSTING kid. It's all in the past and I should forgive myself.

When I married a man who turned out to be a pedophile, it wasn't what I had seen in him. It wasn't what I had ever expected from a husband or a father. It hurts when people say to me," How could you not know? " Do they really think that a man like that is going to molest your child in front of you?

Again, he was a bad choice. A liar and the worst kind of abuser imaginable because he did his damage incrementally, by breaking you down emotionally and disrespecting the person who you were. In retrospect, I should have slowed down and made better choices but, I never imagined I would have those types of events come upon me. 

I have to try to forgive myself. 
If God has forgiven me, who am I to hold myself in guilt? 
Yes, makes sense but relearning how to be who you are as an individual with choices and ideas, is not an easy task.