An Open Letter To Parents With Sexually Abused Children

Dear Parents,

I do not claim expertise on the subject of dealing with children who have been abused sexually, spiritually or emotionally. I would like to share with you my experiences in hope that it will help somehow in your situation.  There are several things that seem to be key in helping a child to get on with their lives after trauma:

1. It is of the utmost importance that you be PATIENT with your child. It may be that your son or daughter are simply not ready to disclose everything that happened right away. Give them time. This is especially true if the kids are older or were molested a long time ago and are just beginning to open up.
2. Be the someone that your kids can trust. Don't spread what they disclose to just anybody without talking to the injured party. Someone mentioned our incident to a staff member of a local restaraunt who had the audacity to walk up to my kids in the middle of ordering and ask them about their dad!
3. Realize that there is usually shame and a sense of false guilt involved with a child who has been abused. It's important to let them know, even if it's a million times over, they were not at fault. Responsibility should always rest on the shoulders of the adult offender.
4. Let your child grieve. Sometimes the best way to heal is to cry. Tears can be of benefit but tears can also mean depression and suicidal thoughts. Be there to soothe your child and make them feel loved and safe. NEVER IGNORE THEM WHILE THEY ARE GRIEVING. Sit with them, give them a hug but don't rush them. The worst that anyone can say in this situation is, "Stop crying! Get over it!"
5. Find help for the child and yourself. Abuse is a hard problem to deal with even if the abuser is long gone. It's good to have someone outside of the situation counsel your child and it's important to allow yourself to get help as well. Parenting a hurting child can be very stressful.
6. The last point I would like to make is-don't be judgemental! Allow dialogue to flow when your child is ready. Listen but don't interrupt. No matter how disgusted or upset you get at what your child confides in you, show them you are accepting of them as they are and will love them no matter what.

Pray for yourself, your child and even the offender-let God show you the way of truth, light and mercy. Nothing is impossible for Him, nothing is too hard.

Show your child the unlimited love God has for His own by being a channel for that same love and kindness.

Yelena

Honesty Wins Over Fear

 A few years back, I had to go through a major change. I had to face my fears, start telling the truth and attack lies against me with pure honesty.

No, it wasn't easy.  There is something quite humbling about looking at my face in the mirror and realizing that until the truth is told, I would be held captive by my own conscience.
I took small steps toward that end. Confessing my faults to another, letting God take them for me.I had to leave behind the old way of dealing with things. I had to learn to step through the fear.

That is what this blog is all about. I'm sharing to improve. To tell the truth about my feelings as a survivor of spiritual, sexual and emotional abuse.As I share myself with you-the reader- I learn to let go of the sadness and the rage inside . Maybe I can encourage someone else...maybe not, all I know is that it has been healing for me.

One thing for sure, honesty IS the best policy. I can look my soul-mate in the eye and know that I can share my faults and my fears with him and even if he were to be angered or disgusted, I could still face what comes because truth is my ally.

What's the big deal with honesty? Well, when you get a taste of it , you realize you want more.Truth is beautiful!

I'm also bringing it up because it's important to understand that when a man is sick enough to rape or otherwise molest a child, he must shoulder the burden of his decision for the rest of his life.
When dealing with a narcisstic personality, truth is never good enough though. Something may make the offender look bad so he tries to cover it up. He tries to divide and manipulate, yet he never thinks of simply being truthful. This is all a part of the twisted world the offender lives in.

The other day, it was brought to my attention by two different family members, that my ex-husband and his bride had a baby.It was supposed to be a secret, yet the story began to trickle out. It wasn't bothersome to me that he remaried, and under different circumstances, having a baby would be a blessing, yet I am afraid of what will happen to their child. Will she also be abused?

These are the kinds of questions that I cannot answer. I can only hope for the best.
What also concerned me was that the man contacted some of my adult children and made them promise not to tell me or my youngest about the new arrival .
 Divide and conquer! You see, the attitude has not changed. The dwellers of the dark like corners with no light in them.
The offender's guilt causes him to run when no one pursues and to cover himself up with secrets and lies. If a man is in an honest, healthy relationship, would he not shout to the world that he has a new member of the family? Would he cower and worry about what I'm thinking?
Of course not.


The only thing I can say at this point is, I hope for his child's sake he will change his ways, come clean with his new wife and repent . The truth will set you free!

Looking Inward To See Things You'd Rather Ignore

I spent a couple of years at a twelve-step program beginning with my impending seperation from my ex-husband and for sometime before I remarried. The fifth step reads: "Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." Without this step, healing is almost impossible. 

It's simple to throw stones at others and blame them for ruining my dreams. Yet, I'd often get side-tracked by anger and despair and stop growing. I had become stuck-unable to better myself and move on.

There has to be a catharsis. A time when one must look inward, as objectively as possible and root out ones own evils. That is so hard to do coming from a background where I was the abused. Victimization is something that I had grown so used to that I never expected anything but hardship. Yet that attitude kept me a victim and I lost my will to fight. 
I was blessed that the man in my life reminds me that those scary times are over and I don't have to follow anyone but my own conscience.

 I try to give an account to God about my needs, my shortcomings...let me tell you, sometimes things look pretty ugly. Yet like a gangrenous foot, I have to face my shortcomings and cut them out. You see it is very simple to shut ones' eyes and say, "I had no part in what happened to me," instead of "Could I have done something differently? What was my part in this situation?"
This is called self-exploration. Being honest with one's self and not sugar-coating the truth.

What have I discovered about myself that needs changing? To answer this question, I had to go back in my mind to a time when I first sensed that I was being taught how to be a 'less than.'

The time when as I child I was not taught to stand up for myself, I felt bullied and I had no oversight there...no support. No, that wasn't my fault... yet, I grew up with that 'less than' mentality. Always seeing others as better, prettier, smarter, more capable. I chose partners in my life who were high maintenece people. That made me feel needed I suppose. Co-dependency is my forte'
It was the only way that I could manage any self-esteem. I was great at taking on my ex-partner's ideas, belief systems, etc. Being opinionated and standing up for myself seemed impossible, so I had to embrace his philosophy, his religion because I felt unworthy to be who I really was!

The IFB pastor I had once been married to, was a high profile kind of guy in our small community. He made sure he was well known and either admired or annoying. He was black and white. No gray areas allowed. You either walked his version of the walk or you were most likely not saved or horribly backslidden!

I was his accessory. I was supposed to play the role of the encouraging, Godly, ever-supportive wifey. Always in agreement with my 'hubby' because that was what the Lord expected from a married Christian woman. 

You see, my acceptance of the sick lifestyle I had embraced was part and parcel of the dysfunctional upbringing in my home. As I grew, I self-medicated with drugs, marijuana and alcohol. I got in with the 'loser' crowd and my life stopped progressing. Being a 'pastor's wife' gave me a sense of self-esteem but I had to play the part and give up the things I cared for to be right with God, (according to my ex-husband.)The more I succumbed to this  man's abusive, manipulative nature, the less I had, untill finally all my self-respect was gone.

 When the Department of Children and Families began to investigate our homelife, my children were temporarily placed with their older sibling.  I felt directionless, lost. There was no healthy love of self. When I finally came to grips with the facts, that he molested at least two of my children, I couldn't wrap my mind around the whole thing! I must have been totally out of it not to have known! I blamed myself for his sins. 

So how did the fifth step fit into this?
 "Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." My healing had to begin with searching myself. How did I allow this man to tell me what is right or wrong? How was it that I embraced his controlling, manipulative lifestyle? What is my weakness? Why do I choose partners that are weak so that they have to bully me and our children in order to prove their power?

Well, in writing down my answers to myself, the next step was to share this with an objective 'somebody,' someone who would listen but be objective.  
I chose someone that I knew worked as a Life Coach and asked her to hear me out and why. She was totally open and supportive. She didn't tell me what a bad woman I was, she simply listened and applauded my efforts to come clean and learn to be honest with myself.

That was a turning point for me. I felt lighter. I said out loud the things I knew were detrimental to my well-being, the things that impeded my progress. I shared them with God and another person. I could now let those things go and truly start over.

Do I still at times fall back into the same patterns? My life has changed quite a bit since this all came about. I still stumble around a bit but week to week, I feel I am moving forward. I am allowing myself to think my own thoughts. I am forgiving myself and trying to turn a new leaf. I am beginning to respect myself again. My depression is still a battle but with my counseling and medication, I have been able to get past the worst of it.

I am learning to say no and to be constructively selfish. I no longer try to please everyone on the planet.
 I am beginning to accept who I am.