An Open Letter To Parents With Sexually Abused Children

Dear Parents,

I do not claim expertise on the subject of dealing with children who have been abused sexually, spiritually or emotionally. I would like to share with you my experiences in hope that it will help somehow in your situation.  There are several things that seem to be key in helping a child to get on with their lives after trauma:

1. It is of the utmost importance that you be PATIENT with your child. It may be that your son or daughter are simply not ready to disclose everything that happened right away. Give them time. This is especially true if the kids are older or were molested a long time ago and are just beginning to open up.
2. Be the someone that your kids can trust. Don't spread what they disclose to just anybody without talking to the injured party. Someone mentioned our incident to a staff member of a local restaraunt who had the audacity to walk up to my kids in the middle of ordering and ask them about their dad!
3. Realize that there is usually shame and a sense of false guilt involved with a child who has been abused. It's important to let them know, even if it's a million times over, they were not at fault. Responsibility should always rest on the shoulders of the adult offender.
4. Let your child grieve. Sometimes the best way to heal is to cry. Tears can be of benefit but tears can also mean depression and suicidal thoughts. Be there to soothe your child and make them feel loved and safe. NEVER IGNORE THEM WHILE THEY ARE GRIEVING. Sit with them, give them a hug but don't rush them. The worst that anyone can say in this situation is, "Stop crying! Get over it!"
5. Find help for the child and yourself. Abuse is a hard problem to deal with even if the abuser is long gone. It's good to have someone outside of the situation counsel your child and it's important to allow yourself to get help as well. Parenting a hurting child can be very stressful.
6. The last point I would like to make is-don't be judgemental! Allow dialogue to flow when your child is ready. Listen but don't interrupt. No matter how disgusted or upset you get at what your child confides in you, show them you are accepting of them as they are and will love them no matter what.

Pray for yourself, your child and even the offender-let God show you the way of truth, light and mercy. Nothing is impossible for Him, nothing is too hard.

Show your child the unlimited love God has for His own by being a channel for that same love and kindness.

Yelena

Turn Fear To Anger...Then Let It Go

Fear was thinking I was going to die while I lay in the back of a van being repeatedly raped.

Fear was thinking I might not see my children with me ever again.

Fear was thinking I might lose my soul-mate because my life was too crazy, chaotic....I was in fear continually!

To my older daughters, fear is thinking they may have to deal with their father once again. 

That he might get them alone.

That he might decide to come in to the restaraunt in which my daughter works in, have a seat and buy a meal and stare at her while she is working.

It was surprising to me that my children exchanged their bewilderment about their father to fear.

Being fearful to the point of emotional bondage serves

no purpose...

I learned a lesson and I have put it into practice:

                                                       FEAR is a waste...

It stunts growth...

It kills the spirit..

It bathes you in paranoia until you shrivel up and disappear.

Take that fear and turn it into ANGER!

Make it loud and long

Tear away at the fabric of fearfulness and allow yourself to replace it with a healthy dose of anger;

for the child within you that has been frightened, needs you to chase the shadows away.

To the pedophile, the abuser, you are just another dependent child. 

That is how he gets you, alone and tired...

Worn down and threatened by his lies.

Show no fear

only rage at the vileness of his or her actions 

and EXPOSE him .

Let the world know about the animal that he  truly is.

                                                        

Sweeping The Dirt Under The Rug

 Incest is a violation that often times is so embarrassing to the loved ones who are involved with the perpetrator, that it gets swept away . After the shock of exposure, if the perpetrator is not behind bars, he will most likely lay low for awhile trying to wait for the chaos to die down.

Such seems to be the case with my ex-husband. I was told by a worthy source that he and his new bride had seperated. He was living with a relative and she and her child(ren) were out of state somewhere.

I was hoping and praying that maybe she would have seen my video recounting the violations against my kids and how she had been lied to. Maybe she did and for a moment, actually got the courage to step away.

Unfortunately, it seems that this is not the case. My source explained that the couple was reunited once again. It was also told to me that I was being requested to stop writing about my ex-husband and the sins he committed against his own family. I was causing too much disruption I suppose.

I understand that this woman is probably very co-dependent. She needs to be needed and has found that in my ex-husband. Maybe she has little self-respect and would rather not move out of her 'comfort zone' but go back where she knows she will get the responses she is looking for.

Truly, I understand.

The problem is that does nothing to change what my ex-husband did to his own children. It does nothing to change him either. If anything, he is getting away with a crime he is unrepentent for.

The blame game falls on the one that exposes the truth and then I become the bad guy. I shattered someone's happy dreams. 

There are so many cases of this same type of attitude - not just with individuals like Ms. A, but also with the church leaders. Cover it up, sweep it away, things will die down and we can put it all behind us.

NOT SO!

As long as this cowardly individual who sexually assaulted and abused our children continues to live the charade of an innocent man accused by his 'adulterous' ex-wife of incest, as long as he refuses to say "Yes, I am guilty," and takes up his responsibility, I will not be silenced.

Living in light in so much easier.