No, it wasn't easy. There is something quite humbling about looking at my face in the mirror and realizing that until the truth is told, I would be held captive by my own conscience.
I took small steps toward that end. Confessing my faults to another, letting God take them for me.I had to leave behind the old way of dealing with things. I had to learn to step through the fear.
That is what this blog is all about. I'm sharing to improve. To tell the truth about my feelings as a survivor of spiritual, sexual and emotional abuse.As I share myself with you-the reader- I learn to let go of the sadness and the rage inside . Maybe I can encourage someone else...maybe not, all I know is that it has been healing for me.
One thing for sure, honesty IS the best policy. I can look my soul-mate in the eye and know that I can share my faults and my fears with him and even if he were to be angered or disgusted, I could still face what comes because truth is my ally.
I'm also bringing it up because it's important to understand that when a man is sick enough to rape or otherwise molest a child, he must shoulder the burden of his decision for the rest of his life.
When dealing with a narcisstic personality, truth is never good enough though. Something may make the offender look bad so he tries to cover it up. He tries to divide and manipulate, yet he never thinks of simply being truthful. This is all a part of the twisted world the offender lives in.
The other day, it was brought to my attention by two different family members, that my ex-husband and his bride had a baby.It was supposed to be a secret, yet the story began to trickle out. It wasn't bothersome to me that he remaried, and under different circumstances, having a baby would be a blessing, yet I am afraid of what will happen to their child. Will she also be abused?
These are the kinds of questions that I cannot answer. I can only hope for the best.
What also concerned me was that the man contacted some of my adult children and made them promise not to tell me or my youngest about the new arrival .
Divide and conquer! You see, the attitude has not changed. The dwellers of the dark like corners with no light in them.
The offender's guilt causes him to run when no one pursues and to cover himself up with secrets and lies. If a man is in an honest, healthy relationship, would he not shout to the world that he has a new member of the family? Would he cower and worry about what I'm thinking?
The only thing I can say at this point is, I hope for his child's sake he will change his ways, come clean with his new wife and repent . The truth will set you free!
I'd like to share a poem I wrote. It was published in our college literart/art magazine. It explains some of the changes I had been going through in the past. Though my 'old life' been left behind...It sometimes haunts me...I need to write it out and let it go...
