Looking Inward To See Things You'd Rather Ignore

I spent a couple of years at a twelve-step program beginning with my impending seperation from my ex-husband and for sometime before I remarried. The fifth step reads: "Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." Without this step, healing is almost impossible. 

It's simple to throw stones at others and blame them for ruining my dreams. Yet, I'd often get side-tracked by anger and despair and stop growing. I had become stuck-unable to better myself and move on.

There has to be a catharsis. A time when one must look inward, as objectively as possible and root out ones own evils. That is so hard to do coming from a background where I was the abused. Victimization is something that I had grown so used to that I never expected anything but hardship. Yet that attitude kept me a victim and I lost my will to fight. 
I was blessed that the man in my life reminds me that those scary times are over and I don't have to follow anyone but my own conscience.

 I try to give an account to God about my needs, my shortcomings...let me tell you, sometimes things look pretty ugly. Yet like a gangrenous foot, I have to face my shortcomings and cut them out. You see it is very simple to shut ones' eyes and say, "I had no part in what happened to me," instead of "Could I have done something differently? What was my part in this situation?"
This is called self-exploration. Being honest with one's self and not sugar-coating the truth.

What have I discovered about myself that needs changing? To answer this question, I had to go back in my mind to a time when I first sensed that I was being taught how to be a 'less than.'

The time when as I child I was not taught to stand up for myself, I felt bullied and I had no oversight there...no support. No, that wasn't my fault... yet, I grew up with that 'less than' mentality. Always seeing others as better, prettier, smarter, more capable. I chose partners in my life who were high maintenece people. That made me feel needed I suppose. Co-dependency is my forte'
It was the only way that I could manage any self-esteem. I was great at taking on my ex-partner's ideas, belief systems, etc. Being opinionated and standing up for myself seemed impossible, so I had to embrace his philosophy, his religion because I felt unworthy to be who I really was!

The IFB pastor I had once been married to, was a high profile kind of guy in our small community. He made sure he was well known and either admired or annoying. He was black and white. No gray areas allowed. You either walked his version of the walk or you were most likely not saved or horribly backslidden!

I was his accessory. I was supposed to play the role of the encouraging, Godly, ever-supportive wifey. Always in agreement with my 'hubby' because that was what the Lord expected from a married Christian woman. 

You see, my acceptance of the sick lifestyle I had embraced was part and parcel of the dysfunctional upbringing in my home. As I grew, I self-medicated with drugs, marijuana and alcohol. I got in with the 'loser' crowd and my life stopped progressing. Being a 'pastor's wife' gave me a sense of self-esteem but I had to play the part and give up the things I cared for to be right with God, (according to my ex-husband.)The more I succumbed to this  man's abusive, manipulative nature, the less I had, untill finally all my self-respect was gone.

 When the Department of Children and Families began to investigate our homelife, my children were temporarily placed with their older sibling.  I felt directionless, lost. There was no healthy love of self. When I finally came to grips with the facts, that he molested at least two of my children, I couldn't wrap my mind around the whole thing! I must have been totally out of it not to have known! I blamed myself for his sins. 

So how did the fifth step fit into this?
 "Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." My healing had to begin with searching myself. How did I allow this man to tell me what is right or wrong? How was it that I embraced his controlling, manipulative lifestyle? What is my weakness? Why do I choose partners that are weak so that they have to bully me and our children in order to prove their power?

Well, in writing down my answers to myself, the next step was to share this with an objective 'somebody,' someone who would listen but be objective.  
I chose someone that I knew worked as a Life Coach and asked her to hear me out and why. She was totally open and supportive. She didn't tell me what a bad woman I was, she simply listened and applauded my efforts to come clean and learn to be honest with myself.

That was a turning point for me. I felt lighter. I said out loud the things I knew were detrimental to my well-being, the things that impeded my progress. I shared them with God and another person. I could now let those things go and truly start over.

Do I still at times fall back into the same patterns? My life has changed quite a bit since this all came about. I still stumble around a bit but week to week, I feel I am moving forward. I am allowing myself to think my own thoughts. I am forgiving myself and trying to turn a new leaf. I am beginning to respect myself again. My depression is still a battle but with my counseling and medication, I have been able to get past the worst of it.

I am learning to say no and to be constructively selfish. I no longer try to please everyone on the planet.
 I am beginning to accept who I am.