Sometimes the past chases me down and has me see how history repeats itself through my children. I wonder sometimes,is it a genetic predisposition? Is the Lord showing me how life was for my parents when I was a rebellious young teen? There are so many times when I look at my children and the things they do or have done, only to think to myself, "Yes, I remember feeling that way. I remember doing the same things and getting in trouble the same way!"
It's an odd place to be in my fifties. I can relate so well to what my child is going through and yet, I have to keep that seperation of being a mother not an equal. Everytime I talk to my girls, they bring things up from the past that they have been struggling with inside themselves. I too still struggle. I tell myself, "Get over it. You are in a different place and a different life now. Don't keep looking back!" It is reality though. One that hits me in the face every so often-I am the product of the totality of my experiences. What can I learn? What do I let go?
My children who grew up in an abusive family situation are beginning to straighten up. I am being pushed to the limit at school and I think many times, I am not such a good wife. I stay up too late, I have a tendency to feel terribly insecure and depressed at times.
I'm not such a good mother because I have trouble setting boundaries. I'm not such a good student. I allow family to take too much time when I should be studying.
The list goes on continually.
It is hard to be strong and even harder to admit weakness. Yet, as a Christian first, that is my duty. I have to accept my weakness and my character as falling short because it is then that I need God the most and it is then that He helps the most.
I'm getting a little older every day. I thought that by now, I would feel at peace with my self. It's not to be it seems. I look at my girls and wonder how will they end up? Better balanced I hope. I pray they will come to a place of self-acceptance but more than that....accepting that where they lack, Christ can make all the difference.
It's an odd place to be in my fifties. I can relate so well to what my child is going through and yet, I have to keep that seperation of being a mother not an equal. Everytime I talk to my girls, they bring things up from the past that they have been struggling with inside themselves. I too still struggle. I tell myself, "Get over it. You are in a different place and a different life now. Don't keep looking back!" It is reality though. One that hits me in the face every so often-I am the product of the totality of my experiences. What can I learn? What do I let go?
I'm not such a good mother because I have trouble setting boundaries. I'm not such a good student. I allow family to take too much time when I should be studying.
The list goes on continually.
It is hard to be strong and even harder to admit weakness. Yet, as a Christian first, that is my duty. I have to accept my weakness and my character as falling short because it is then that I need God the most and it is then that He helps the most.
I'm getting a little older every day. I thought that by now, I would feel at peace with my self. It's not to be it seems. I look at my girls and wonder how will they end up? Better balanced I hope. I pray they will come to a place of self-acceptance but more than that....accepting that where they lack, Christ can make all the difference.
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