Living A Lie

 

I had an interesting conversation with my daughter the other day. She had called her grandmother (paternal side) to find out how she was doing after a medical procedure. While my daughter was talking to her, my ex-sister-in-law took the phone from her mother and asked if my daughter wanted to talk to 'Daddy'...this is the same daddy that molested my daughter when she was only 8 or 9. My daughter was puzzled as she knows that the molester is to have NO CONTACT at all with the minor children. She knew that someone could get into trouble so she said no and the ex's sister questioned her as to why. Well, my daughter, who is only 13, thought it best not to discuss the incident of sexual abuse with her, so she just told her that since her parents were divorced, it might be better if she didn't and that was the end of that.

I surmised that, since I am not on speaking terms with my ex's family, he probably never divulged to them what really happened ...of course,that is understandable. He was the apple of his momma's eye.

 After my daughter told me about the conversation, I started feeling frustrated. I WANTED his family to know the truth. Just sitting here writing to all of you right now, makes me angry about him. I want the truth out and I want him to know it's out AND I want to be believed! I have to keep reminding myself, God knows what he's done. I need to just move on. Yet it's SO difficult! God help me.

I don't know why I didn't see the red flags ....those signs that the father of my children, the man I had been married to was and is, a liar. He was known for his exaggerations. Well, maybe most people didn't realize it at the time but we did. The kids and I. He was also dishonest in many other ways. He would lie to people about doing something...like sending them money toward a debt he owed....but he never would. He was the most likely to go back on his promises. He wouldn't pay people, he would take and not return items, money....a lot of different things. Someone like my ex, who is a repeat offender becomes known for his character flaws yet when he went behind the pulpit and preached or cried, people would be charmed by him and forget his slights.

I'd like to be able to regurgitate all the poison inside of me. I'm often worried that my life with the cult-leader will always be etched into my brain.I pray that at some point, I can step away from all the bad memories and the anger. It reeks to me of  of rottenness...like the smell of road kill as you are driving nearby. It wafts by every now and then, corrupting the senses as it goes.

I hope and pray I can stop inhaling it's odor.