Climbing Out Of The Hole

There are feelings that I get at the times I have to face my fears. The first is anxiety, then my defenses spring to action. Lastly, I summon my courage in order to face my fears. I learned in my recovery that the fastest way to rid myself of fears is to face them head-on and be honest with myself and others.

I admit that I hate to hear from people from my 'old life.' I feel that many were fair-weather friends. When my ex was busy defaming me, most of them jumped on the bandwagon it seemed.

There have been a few...very few...that took the time to contact me and apologize for siding against me. They offered their help and seemed sincere. May God bless them for that.

I am aware of some that look at me as a curiosity. Maybe they want to play as if they care but what they are really after is a good story! Some have no lives, so they want the dirty details.

I have decided that if anyone from my 'pastor's wife' days wants to talk to me, I will be friendly but guarded and give them a chance. However, I will not surround myself with people that are insincere. Surrounding myself with those who feel the urge to pry or those who have been known to get ugly in the past will no longer be allowed into my life. This is taking care of myself.

Whether the abuse is spiritual, emotional, physical or sexual, as you recover, it is essential to work on yourself a little everyday. Find what your comforted with. Meditate on your blessings and give God the burdens. Yes, it IS difficult but it will change you in time. It took years to learn a pattern of submission and how to live with abuse so there will be no easy transformation. You must consciously live your life day-to-day and resist the urge to settle into a half-life. If you don't take time for you and expend that energy on other pursuits, especially those that other people around you want you to do, you will become totally exhausted .

The first time I had a breakdown was when I was overworked and didn't have anyone to help me.
The second time I was teetering on the threshold of breakdown #2 was when again, I was overworked and pressured.  I was married to the pastor yet he refused to ever help me with anything. I was too intimidated to ask for help.  I have learned that self-care must take precedence. How can I be a 'good' anything without rest?

Such is the vicious circle of abuse. You are worn down by the abuser. You feel emptied, numb and hopeless. You then begin to ignore your own needs and abuse yourself . Then everything starts all over!

I cannot tell anyone what to do. All I can tell you is what seems to be working for me . There is no sin in loving yourself in order for you to climb out of the dark place you've been. Meditate on the good. Be grateful for the small things and always give yourself credit for trying.