Red Flags And Bad Memories

  It's very simple when you are a child, to trust adults. The ones you trust most are usually your family and close friends of the family. However, after being raised in an environment where people that should be protecting you don't or are unaware, I understand it is of the utmost importance to LEARN awareness of pedophilia and other types of abuse and to TEACH what you learn to your children. Had I been more aware of the signs going on right in front of me, maybe my children's lives would have been different.

In looking back, I am realizing that I had contact with pedophiles as I grew up. There were several times, when I was very young that I sensed inappropriate behavior from adult males that were familiar to me but I wasn't sure how to handle it.
The first time was when I was about 10 or 11 years old. My brother was getting married and he had quite a large group assembled for the reception.
My mother and I had flown in for the big event. Our table was next to one with an older couple. They were both very nice, especially the gentleman. He kept going on about how cute I was, that my brother was lucky to have such a pretty, little sister. Being a self-conscious, anxious kind of kid, I felt very flattered. Here was a nice, old man giving me all this attention. I felt special.
As the night wore on and the liquor flowed, I guess the 'nice man' became less inhibited. I remember standing next to my mother at our table and the man was visibly drunk. He began to ask me to come sit on his lap, and those requests became more insistant. I don't remember what if anything, my mother said, but I DO remember his wife becoming increasingly annoyed. She told him to stop bothering me and finally they went home. There was something about her stern voice to him that made me feel very uncomfortable.

The next time, I was about 13 or so. I used to walk around town at that age, many times by myself, (what were my parents thinking?) and I recall an older, black man by the name of Mr. Mincey, who lived in a shack by himself on one of the side streets. He would always say hello and at times, while he sat on his porch, I would chat about school, what was going on in town, etc. After months of chatting in this way, Mr. Mincey asked me in one day. I thought it was safe. He seemed like a 'nice man.' The scenario began to unfold just like the reception. Mincey sat down at his kitchen table and asked me to sit on his lap...I felt my hair stand on end . I blurted out that I had to go. I ran out as fast as I could...

   The one memory that haunts me still, is my strange visit to see my godfather. I was always drawn to him because he was so amusing. He always had an entertaining story to share! He seemed to be very much 'in the know' about what was going on in the celebrity world. He lived in New York City and was aquainted with some big names. He always seemed lenient with me, non-judgmental.  Many times, he would come over to visit my family and spend the day. Truly, he was one of my favorite people. 

   It was during a visit to his apartment at 17 years of age, that I discovered my godfather was a pedophile. 

I wasn't feeling well at some point in my visit. I had a headache. He went to another room to get something and came back with a stethoscope. He asked me to stand still for a minute so he could listen to my heart. I thought that was a bit strange but I trusted him and sort of laughed it off as him being overly concerned for me. The next thing I knew, he had lifted up my shirt to expose my breast and put the stethoscope to it. I was paralyzed! He just stood there looking at my breast, pretending to 'examine' my heart rate.

   My godfather's behavior was so shocking to me. The whole incident happened so fast. I was taken aback. This man was part of the family. How did this happen? Why? I was confused and scared. Mostly, I was shocked. I was so terribly embarrassed by the whole incident that I was truly at a loss. He came to my family's home a few times afterward but I never felt comfortable around him again.

   My point is this: No one EVER taught me about what not to do. No one explained to me how to see red flags or what to do if things like this came up.  I was unprepared, thinking the world was a safe, happy place. I thought adults would never betray my trust. When things happened, I felt as if somehow I was flawed. I was ashamed and I don't even know why.

The cycle was repeated with my own children. We were a Christian family. All our aquaintences were also Christians. We spent more time in church then anyone. That was supposed to be a safe haven. It was certainly difficult to acknowledge that in this safe haven were people that didn't think twice about abusing a child. Including the pastor himself. Birds of a feather, flock together!