Being 'Mental'...Part Of Faulty Chemistry Or Are The IFB Correct?

                       

, If you were to look at several photographs from my childhood, you would sometimes see a girl with a face that reflects dark emotions: a mix of sadness, flatness, empty of spirit and purpose. 

I've had several counselors, psychologists and doctors, ask me when did I first feel depressed? I tell them that I cannot ever remember feeling not depressed. I suppose there were times of happiness, I'm sure there were but the feelings of depression were always close by.

The research seems to point to chemical imbalances within the brain. Sometimes these are triggered by a trauma but in my case, I think it's been hereditarily passed on.  I may have mentioned how my mother was suffering from mental illness. A lot of it worsened with her oncoming dementia which overtook her in her elderly years but before that, when I was very young, I remember her acting erratically, paranoid and I sensed that there was something 'off.'  

My father, I am sure had some sort of anxiety disorder. He was constantly uneasy, on edge, abusive and controlling. His mother, the only grandmother I ever knew, was suspicious and irritable yet she didn't seem to have the same percentage of angst.

They say children learn what they live. It's absolutely true. I am sure that I felt much negativity due to the atmosphere at home. If that is how I grew up, it stands to reason that my moods would be negative. My dependency on people (a learned behavior-my mother was terribly over-protective)and feeling stigmatized by the 'normal' people outside of my family taught me to withdraw into a shell.

  I still prefer the shell. I am able though, to put on my sociable self and mix when needed, however that is not something I usually choose to do. Invite me over your friends' house and I will have anxiety attacks until the visit is over.

Why bring all this up? Because so many of us in my family have real stability problems. Some, I know is learned, traumatic ...yet, some must be inherited. 

When I was part of the IFB cult, I was taught that mental illness is always caused by:

1. Sin in my life, or
2. The Devil

There was never an in-between.

 Now, I have to say that after my second marriage, when I was first converted, I was quite happy.  I had a peace about me that could only have come from knowing my burdens were carried by Jesus and He blessed me in many ways.

The problems arose later when I realized that there was a strong faction of men within the church who were involved in less than godly behavior. That was years after my conversion, as I matured in my faith.  I believe when you grow in faith, God opens your eyes a little more to strengthen you . The more trouble I experienced, the closer I clung to His word.

When my ex-husband became a pastor and then began to little-by-little become a controlling deviant, there was no doubt, I swallowed much of my sensibility. I became an automaton. A praying, obedient-to-my husband, automaton .

Eventually, the old shadow of depression came back over me. I kept begging God to show me what to do. To make my husband more attentive. To help us with our home. The crying continued secretly, for years. I knew that if I thought there was something wrong with my mind or that I blamed my then husband, I would be accused of being unfaithful to the Lord or possibly demonically possessed. So, I blamed myself. I kept my feelings repressed...hidden-and waited.

One of the things I had to come to an understanding of in my process of recovery, was the knowledge that God was forcing me unto another path. I wasn't supposed to be boxed-up in some megalomaniac's dream. I was supposed to follow a simple plan. It had nothing to do with control or a man's power over me. It had to do with breaking free, acceptance and the love and understanding of a good man .

Depression is still in the shadows. My life is far better now then how it was just a few years ago. Sanity, I found, is an understanding of insanity. The knowledge that sometimes, the Lord gives us a heaviness in our heart that will always haunt...always crouch in the dark. Acknowledging that I have a 'mental' problem has helped me to deal with resources for recovery. Counseling and medication, education...yes, and prayer! I see these now as helpful ways to heal that God has made available to me.

It's no wonder that there are so many sick-minded people filling the pews in IFB churches. God is trying to show freedom and yet, those involved in IFB thinking are full of imprisonment. If you weren't sick when you joined up, you would be in time.

Now that I understand that the way I am is not a lack of godliness or some demonic scam to control me, I can recognize that I am a fallible human being. A woman who is able to see my past as a series of misunderstandings, mistakes and vulnerabilities but is learning to forgive herself as God has forgiven me. The trauma I have felt, the pain I still deal with at times are all part of who I am. It is also what keeps me close to my Lord.