On the Subject of Repentence

The cowardice and narcissistic approach taken by the twisted man who was once a husband and father to my children, is still something that I have trouble setting aside.

I was at a meeting for people who are in different stages of psychological rehabilitation. Many of the members have stories that are just as awful as mine or sad to say, worse. We are all trying to learn from each other and to speak about the experiences that have so marked us in life. Someone brought up the subject of forgiveness, loving your enemies and showing compassion even if the person who wronged you is unrepentent.

I listen to people that say these things with the knowledge that more than likely, they were never raped or had their children molested. Perhaps, mental abuse was never in their life, so to them, speaking on the subject of forgiveness seems so easy. I am not criticizing....but trying to understand.

Yet there is another side. The Lord himself tells us we must come to Him in repentence in order to be forgiven. We must admit our sinfulness and ask Him for mercy. Then and only then, can the Lord shape us into a useful vessel.

If I am to follow Christ, whether I am willing to forgive someone who abused my children and me, there can be no true change of heart or mind for the offender unless he is made to know and feel the damge he has inflicted. It is because of the offender's indifference, his lack of caring, his fear of being brought out as the guilty one that I cannot yet forgive him. I cannot merely sweep under the rug the awful things he had put my children through. Such an act would be acceptance of the offense and so very unfair to myself and to my children.


No, I do not hate the man....and I don't have to allow bygones to be bygones. 

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Trying To Pass The Hurdles

     Sometimes the past chases me down and has me see how history repeats itself through my children. I wonder sometimes,is it a genetic predisposition? Is the Lord showing me how life was for my parents when I was a rebellious young teen? There are so many times when I look at my children and the things they do or have done, only to think to myself, "Yes, I remember feeling that way. I remember doing the same things and getting in trouble the same way!"

     It's an odd place to be in my fifties. I can relate so well to what my child is going through and yet, I have to keep that seperation of being a mother not an equal. Everytime I talk to my girls, they bring things up from the past that they have been struggling with inside themselves. I too still struggle. I tell myself, "Get over it. You are in a different place and a different life now. Don't keep looking back!" It is reality though. One that hits me in the face every so often-I am the product of the totality of my experiences. What can I learn? What do I let go?

     My children who grew up in an abusive family situation are beginning to straighten up. I am being pushed to the limit at school and I think many times, I am not such a good wife. I stay up too late, I have a tendency to feel terribly insecure and depressed at times.
I'm not such a good mother because I have trouble setting boundaries. I'm not such a good student. I allow family to take too much time when I should be studying.

     The list goes on continually.
It is hard to be strong and even harder to admit weakness. Yet, as a Christian first, that is my duty. I have to accept my weakness and my character as falling short because it is then that I need God the most and it is then that He helps the most.

      I'm getting a little older every day. I thought that by now, I would feel at peace with my self. It's not to be it seems. I look at my girls and wonder how will they end up? Better balanced I hope. I pray they will come to a place of self-acceptance but more than that....accepting that where they lack, Christ can make all the difference.