Who Am I...Really?

Alright...so the life that damaged me  is getting swept out. My dream of going to school for psychology is a reality. I have a partner who is very supportive. My kids are growing up and though that can be a struggle at times, God is good and has protected them for me. I may be short on cash, but we aren't starving or homeless or naked...we get by.

So this is where I need to be grateful. Oh Jesus ....I am! Thank you! Now I need to find ME. Who am I ? What's going on in my head? I need to learn to be accepting, of myself and of others. I need to love like Jesus loved me and still does. I need to stop having the glass half empty and seeing it as half full and on it's way to overflowing.

When an abuse victim becomes a survivor advocate, you need to see yourself as a work in progress. I do. I get that. What is hard to get through is all the old tapes that play in my head: I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, young enough, I am overweight , I feel ugly, I feel dumb...everyone else is better than I am...the list is at least a mile long!

Recovery work is a battle. Once you remove the obstacles that kept you victimized, you have to learn to like yourself. I'd love to wake up one morning and feel like this is it! I'm excited, happy, looking forward to the day, but I'm not there....

I still feel tired, heavy, slow...my depression and anxiety kick in a bit ...I want to do something, say something, It's frustrating. Although I am no longer as depressed as I once was (thanks to SSRI's and spilling my thoughts out on this blog,) there are still parts of me that need to be dealt with.

I don't want to be self-centered but I need some self-esteem.

I'd love to be at peace with who I am and learn to respect myself more. After all, I did 'get out' of the Fundy cult, start a new life and have been trying hard to do all the right things. The question remains: Why is it so hard to accept myself and put away the past and simply start over?

More About Denial

Before leaving the IFB cult, I was in a little world all my own. I had to keep rationalizing why I was with this man who didn't seem to care about his family very much. I was desperately trying to see that the glass was half-full and not half-empty. My favorite Bible verse back then was:

Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
(Php 4:11-13)

A great verse actually but when you lack self-respect and have absolutely no self-esteem, it becomes a mantra to ease your mind so you don't have to think about how bad things really are.

I'm not saying the Bible was wrong here, I still believe in the Word of God. It's the context to which I applied it to that was in error. The context being, no matter how badly your husband disrespects you and drives his children to dishonor him and themselves, stick it out and do it with a smile!

Of course, at the time, I didn't know about the sexual abuse...