Thoughts On Communication

I went to my sociology class this evening. We were discussing communication between ourselves and those who we are most intimate with.

It's a subject worth noting. I pondered my own communication skills as the professor gave us examples of what NOT to do. I realized that I never really learned to be an effective communicator with those I love.

I am better in written word. I am better at subjects that are not so personal. In intimacy, with my husband, those that are closest, it can be so difficult. If I am going to open up, in anger or sometimes, sadness...it gets easier. How will I ever be an effective communicator? One who can help steer those who are afflicted? My mouth and my heart have been seared closed because deep down, I don't believe that I deserve to be heard...

When people talk over me, when they ignore me and say in that way that my voice does not count, I am afraid and draw back into my shell.
I have grown used to my own shortcomings. My silences.

My husband, my friend...I try to open up to him. Sometimes though, it's a fearful thing for me. What will he think of me? Will he think I'm crazy?
He has been so patient with me while I try to find my voice. He tries hard to be supportive. He truly is a gift to me.

When you have lived as I have, battling the demons of abuse: emotional, sexual and spiritual...it is so hard to be open. At least it is for me.

I would love to feel respect for myself. To feel that I am of worth. Yet, I remember the messages of the past and the messages attempt to silence me... and usually do.

I read thoughts of others who, like myself have gone running from the chains of abusers. So many have turned away from God's love. So many have become embittered, disillusioned. I feel the pain flowing from their words. They are angry with God and with those who have haunted their nightmares.

I cannot throw away the One who saved me so long ago. Yes, I am confused at times, angry and hurt. I have trouble explaining how I feel. I don't forget how to pray though. I do believe in a Lord who is sharpening me, breaking me, re-building....I know that He knows me inwardly, places that I find so hard to expose. I cling to Him...Jesus....teach me to speak. Teach me to open up so that I can share with others how you have shared with me.

Maybe, it just takes times.