Memories That Shape You

Memories are powerful things. Some of us who have grown up in abusive homes have a hard time thinking back on our childhoods and remembering happy times.

In my home, there was discord between my parents, my mother and my paternal grandmother, my oldest brother and my father, my other brother and me. My father would hit my mother, my mother would put a large dresser before the door so my father would stay out or she'd take me for a long walk until he cooled down.

I was the youngest, only girl and my brothers said I was spoiled. My mother over-protected me. I grew up feeling like there was something wrong with me and that feeling stuck for most of my life.

I wanted to be made to feel like I 'belonged' somewhere....so I found some misfit kids like myself and learned to drink beer and smoke cigarettes. Eventually, I started stealing my grandmother's tranquilizers and sleeping pills. Then I moved on to smoking pot, trying hard drugs....anything to make me forget that I was 'different'.

I drifted into promiscuity. I was looking for love and acceptance. That road led me to being sexually used by boys who were older and experienced. Eventually, I was sexually abused by adult men-friends of my father, my 'godfather' and gang-raped at 14. 

To say that my views on relationships, normal relationships, are skewed is an understatement. In my mind, the only thing that men really ever wanted was sex. This idea was never far from me and kept me feeling insecure about myself and anyone I was with. 

These insecurities were what I was desperately trying to get rid of when I found the Lord. Before that moment in October of '85, I was ruminating in the horrors of the rape I experienced. It would pop into my head and I couldn't make it stop. I never told my parents about it. It happened at a time when I was a run away and so very vulnerable. I felt it was all my fault, a punishment for leaving my parents. 

When I became a Christian, the awful thoughts were taken from me and I was filled with a peace I never had before. God had cleansed me and healed me. I was brand new!

I had no idea what kind of adventure God was going to put me on but at the time, I didn't care...I just wanted to be in church and worship. I felt better about myself in church. I was learning, people were so kind and I felt that finally I DID belong. 

This would be a happy ending if I hadn't been programmed by the messages I was given as I grew up: men only want you for one thing, my duty is to take care of my husband, my career is being at home, that is what mom did...she cooked and cleaned and watched the soaps. Your husband is to handle everything. Women aren't really capable....on and on.

This programming made me perfect fodder for the IFB cults. I now had a specific role to fill and so did my husband. When he says something, listen and be obedient. He is the head of the family and you are subservient. There is no choice, it's cut and dried and don't argue because that's un-biblical!

I left behind my dreams. I didn't dare dream. I looked around one day and realized that I was getting older, my body was worn out and I was cut off from anyone that wasn't in the church. I heard my ex-husband say, " Women don't need to have friends, they need to stay home and keep busy with the kids. It's only trouble when they go out of the house."

Maybe God wanted me to walk that route so one day I would be awakened and see the truth. I don't know. I do know that everything happens for a reason. Now I have a partner in my life who teaches me to respect myself .  It doesn't mean I have to serve him 24/7 to be right with God. He takes care of me and I take care of him.

I am still plagued with other memories. It's hard not to be triggered sometimes. I used to get panic attacks thinking about my past. I used to allow the past to rule over my future. Every now and then, a memory will pop into my head and I cry.

  I am learning to live day to day and keep my eyes on the Lord by reading His word and keeping Him close. We don't go to church but we start each day with  God's word and with prayer. For now, that seems enough.

After-Effects and Getting the Help I Needed

When my children were taken, my ex-husband gone, I needed support because I was in survival mode. I was fortunate in that before I had all this come down around me, I began recognizing that I had no coping skills. I was in distress at home and I didn't know what to do to help myself.

I began going to Al-Anon meetings on a very regular basis. A friend I knew since I was about 12 suggested I go . My chaos was recognizable. I was constantly trying to 'fix' things for everyone.
When I knew the ex was on the way, or the kids heard him pull up, everyone went scrambling to their rooms, I tried to look busy. He was always in a bad mood when he came in and would yell at the kids or complain to me about the appearance of the house. The kids hid and I tried to look like I was being a 'good' wife to keep the unpleasant remarks to a minimum, (meaning I was sweeping, cooking, whatever it took to make it seem I was being useful.)

I felt I was caught in a seemingly hopeless situation so I reached out to learn some tools from Al-Anon that did help me. For once, I learned to take care of my own homework, that is, tend to my own problem and stop trying to solve everyone elses.

 For example, I was in the habit of covering for my ex because he had a bad habit of lashing out toward us when he lost his keys, or his wallet. Everyone had to stop what they were doing and clean until we found his lost articles. I began to walk away when he started acting that way and found other things to do.

I also learned the 12-steps. I began to look at my own behaviors. I began to list the things I could be grateful for and I had to acknowledge that I was powerless over anyone else. I also cried a lot and learned to 'Let Go and Let God.'

Another thing that happened to me was that I began counseling sessions. This was actually required for my case-plan but I was so blessed in that God put me in touch with a Christian. A pastor's wife who was a crisis counselor. She helped me more than I ever thought was possible. Elizabeth sent me home with a lot of reading material, ideas to help me take better care of my myself and through it all, she encouraged me not to forget about God but take that time to pray and speak to Him. One of the things Elizabeth shared with me, were the tell-tale signs of an abusive relationship. My ex had just about all of the traits mentioned:

Recognizing Abusive Men 

Another thing I had to realize was that I had a problem. I had never felt good about myself. Not that I wanted to be swell-headed....I just wanted to be comfortable in my own skin. For as long as I remembered, I always have felt like I wasn't as smart, good-looking, valued as everyone else. I also had a lot of trauma growing up. I had been molested and raped as a teen and the relationships I developed with men after the fact, were always self-defeating.  I have struggled with Major Depression most of my life and when I was 21, after living in the desert of California for two years in isolation with my first husband, I had developed terrible anxiety. I was experiencing panic attacks and became agoraphobic for a time.  After my last marriage to the preacher, and losing my kids for a year, I began to relive the fears and paranoia I felt when I was still in the relationship.

Because I was not officially 'in-crisis' anymore, I had to seek out the help of another counselor. Once again, the Lord brought me to a Christian woman who offered me help.
Also, I was blessed with a soul mate who stood by me through all the craziness and loved me enough to listen to me and hold me when I just needed to cry. He and I are now married and he has shown me that there is still hope for me.  I am still healing.

Below are some places you can visit online that deal with wounded spirits . Women who have been abused by their pastors, their husbands, families that have had to endure spiritual abuses:

Some Words On Healing

10 Ways To Spot Spiritual Abuse

Lots of Good Information Here