Stepford Wife Syndrome

I found a blog today written by a man who extraordinarily enough understood what some abusive churches do to the women in their congregation. It's a good article, please share it:

The Effects Of Spiritual Abuse On Women


Paula Hyles...Maybe 'old news' But Still Relative To The Mess In These Baptist Cults
Part II

David Hyles and family

     In my life, it was much the same...I was an accessory. The difference between myself and the Stepford's of the IFB was this: I wasn't raised within the IFB culture. For 26 years of my life, I wasn't taught what I had to believe except that my parents called our family 'Christian.' It was a facade though. Going to church was a holiday event mostly. There was no teaching going on so aside from agreeing that I believed in God, I really had no settled idea of what that was supposed to mean. I went into the whole IFB cultic view with eyes wide open and my mind was hungrily gobbling everything my pastor thought and taught. I had nothing to compare my teachings with, I believed!

Our pastor was not a megalomaniac as my ex-husband later became. He was basically a shy man but knew his Bible well and taught the IFB doctrines impressively. We didn't have a problem between wearing dresses or pants, it wasn't a big deal. I could still wear my Sunday best at church and not be criticized for jeans any other time.

It wasn't until a few years had passed and Mike was pastoring his own congregants that things got crazier and crazier. The rules would change every other week. Hair had to be long on women, short on men, no shorts on either sex ever, no pants on women, men had to dress conservatively, no jewelry on the guys. Later it evolved into not eating pork or shellfish, no work on Sunday and no going out until Sunday service was over.

Mike had developed a following....(I think he wanted to be as popular as Hyles) so he would mingle and sit with others after church during fellowship....I was alone feeling insignificant.I became disillusioned. There were a lot of single, divorced men in our congregation, Some were sex offenders or were living double lives. Those that were married had very one-sided relationships . Women were there to serve, whether it was sex or food it didn't matter. IFB wives were simply accessories to make the IFB husbands look good.  We were the faces of the family unit. It's a sick, twisted view of a godly relationship that was to be equal in love and repect toward each other. Somehow, it all became a lie!

Memories Triggered About Homeschool

I want to take a moment and say for the record that I am not against homeschool. I think if a  parent feels they can do the job and the child is progressing, then everybody is happy. It is when a parent is put under much pressure to do the job by her church, her husband and the 'Christian homeschool community' that it becomes a prescription for disaster. 

I've been reading a book recommended by an online friend called 'I Fired God.' by Jocelyn R. Zichterman.
It's an interesting account of a woman who grows up in an IFB home and marries an IFB educator.
I'm not done with the book yet. My time is limited....BUT, I can certainly say that her accounts of abuses, people whose philosophy she followed and types of extremes she lived under, are all things I can relate to a great deal.

I just finished the chapter about her homeschooling with her children. The books she ordered and the curriculum she used was ALOT like what I tried with my children. Her story made me remember how inept I had felt, how I started making excuses about why my kids were having difficulties and the lies that caused resentment toward my ex-husband.


I was thrown in to the homeschool world in the late 1980's. My older daughter was pulled out of middle school when there was some question about what she was being taught in a family living class. Just like that, one day, after school had dismissed for the summer, I was told by my then husband that I HAD to pull her out of school so she would not be corrupted by the world. Eventually, her younger sister would also become a homeschooled child.

I was in a state of panic but my several years of IFB training taught me not to argue but to submit totally to my husband's wishes. After much prayer I started to look into curriculums. I threw together what I could and at the time, Mike did help (if you want to call it that) by forcing them to listen to his loooong, drawn out lectures Eventually, the teaching became my job...my sole job.

As the additional children came along, the homeschooling expanded. I became a bit more knowlegable of how education at home-the IFB way- was to happen. I pored over workbooks and old textbooks that would employ the least modern way to learn. I went from catalogue to book sales and even tried some outside resources.

My oldest, Missy, had the opportunity to graduate out of a Christian high school and move on to art school . However, the challenge was just beginning for the rest of them. I was reminded again and again that homeschool was the only way I could really be right with God, from the pulpit and at home. At this point, I surrendered willingly to the idea that I would always have to do this and so I tried hard to make the most of it.

I had two things going against me in this never-ending project: my now ex-husband Mike and my inability to get past the burn-out I was feeling. I would very often have all the children seated after breakfast, we'd start our lesson,s then Mike would come in and start pulling kids from the table to help him work. My son and his younger sister seemed to be the ones who were pulled day after day. When I protested, Mike would tell me to pack up their schoolwork for them and he would oversee their studies in-between landscaping. THAT never happened.

My children began to officially struggle and I felt helpless and trapped in a no-win cycle. I began to dread homeschooling my children. I knew it would take increasing amounts of the energy I lacked. I wanted to hide and not feel guilty about it.

That is one of the most anguishing feelings I had. I knew I was failing the whole teaching thing yet my depression began to keep me from functioning. It was hard to keep the house clean and orderly. The kids weren't learning much and when we were public, Mike would take credit for what little they did know.

Looking back now I think maybe that was the moment of awakening...hearing him tell people how great we were doing and how we successfully homeschooled all our children. What a lie!
The guilt I carry for somehow opening the door to this type of life is something that haunts me. I know that I was programmed by the church and by my ex-husband. I know I began to shut down emotionally. I felt used and I was depressed. My children and I have paid dearly . I know I should be angry...There is a part of me that seethes deep down but at present I am at a loss to reach down and pull it forth.

I am eternally grateful though that that part of my life is over. I strive to put it behind me but it isn't easy.